To My Beloved Bulma
by uog
Summary: You know how Bulma ditched Yamcha for Vegeta? Well do you want to know the REAL reason why she dumped him? See the Yamcha that no one else, except for Bulma has seen!


Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ, Blue's Clues, Sesame Street, Shakespeare or Madonna. However, I do own the NPA and the IYS.  
  
* * * * *  
  
To my beloved Bulma,  
  
  
Since we've known each other for such a long time, I think that I should tell you some of my secrets that I've been hiding from you and the others.   
  
Although I might seem like a normal human being with a high power level, there's much more. You know how I used to have long black hair, right? Well, that really was a wig. In fact, I am bald from all the chemotherapy from a severe childhood case of toenail cancer. The cancer also resulted in a few tumors on my face, which were removed and resurfaced as the scars on my face, and severe brain damage.   
  
You may be wondering where I get all of my power. Unlike Goku, Gohan, Vegeta, Piccolo, etc., I do not have any natural talent from my ancestry. Nor do I have the ambition like Krillin and Tien. The source of my strength is an embarrassing subject, but I'll share with you this other secret, as you are my friend.   
  
I hope you can sympathize.  
  
Alright. I can do this.   
  
When I was in high school, I really wanted to make the football team and become popular, like all other kids do right? But I was really small, and there was almost no hope for me, because not only was I skinny and slow, I was also very weak. So thats when I decided to start taking steroids. Sure, I got my muscles and made the football team the next year, but I experienced a highly undesired side effect. Yes, you guessed it. I grew a... well, a chest. I know you're laughing.  
  
Promise you won't tell anyone else.   
  
Anyways, back in those days, I was a 42 triple D. Fortunately, many years later, with the money I earned as a stripper at a nightclub, I had them surgically removed in Rio de Janeiro, they have places like drive-through plastic surgeries. Maybe you'll go there to get a face peel or something, I'm not saying you're fat or old or anything.  
  
The other things are I think you should know my REAL talents and hobbies. No, I am not the race car driving, wrestling, jock who you assumed me to be. In fact I find it very scary to hurt things, after all we should all live in a peaceful, happy, world where there is no need for police for there are no crimes except the crime of love. My top hobby over everything is music and dance... and not just ANY music or dance but yodeling.   
  
Yes Bulma, yodeling, aren't you proud of your yodeling boyfriend? In fact, I'm in the International Yodeling Society, IYS, and I have an upcoming performance I hope you attend for there is an awards ceremony and I won an award for best at yodeling AND dancing simultaneously.   
  
No, I do not dance ballet or jazz. I practice the old, ancient, beautiful, and traditional clog dancing. I can also river dance, I hope you come see me dance one day, It's very safe to say that I can clog dance very well, and river dancing... oh just wait until you see me dressed up in Shakespearean style clothing yodeling AND dancing! I can't imagine the fun, afterwards we'll have a roadkill potluck so come with an appetite!   
  
Another one of my many talents is poetry, I love to capture nature on words. The beauty of every movement and fragile twitch of grass, gracefully falling maple leaf that has reached the end of its life and fallen to the longest sleep yet. But do not fear, you are more beautiful then grass and leaves any day! I have written some poetry and made up my own clog Dance to go with it, It is quite delightful and I have slaved hours over it to make it perfect for my emerald eyed beauty.   
  
I'm also an avid accordion player. I've played the accordion ever since I was in fourth grade. I still practice with Susan, my accordion, regularly. After all, I am the 168th chair in the National Polka Association or the NPA, but only when someone's absent.  
  
Susan gives me such inspiration for my poetry. Sometimes, she sounds like a happy little Dutch girl skipping merrily across the tulip fields, while at other times, especially on rainy days, her notes sound like the heavy footsteps of a drunken sailor staggering across the hold during a heavy storm. But either way, these are wonderful, wonderful motivations for my career.  
  
Susan and I have been best friends for many, many years. There was this one time, in '76, when I was arrested for smoking weed, and I was serving time, Susan was my only friend there. We made up such lovely songs there, even though the other inmates kinda avoided us... Susan was always there for me.  
  
Evan, my therapist, attributes my accordion playing and poetry writing to the supposed trauma I experienced as a child, with my father being a full time stripper at a gay bar, and my dear, dear mother chain-smoking joints and having an affair with another woman. But seriously, I think I should be appreciative of my parents' careers and how they molded me into the person I am today, otherwise, I would not have been able to meet my bestest friend in the whole universe (excluding you), and my wonderful poetry would have gone to waste.  
  
In my sparest time I like to eat cereal to get to the prize at the bottom. It's rather very fun to guess what the prize is going to be in the end. One time I guessed it was going to be candy and it was actually a little toy car! Oh, the laughs you get from the true art of cereal eating! It actually takes more strategy then you think and can be so enrapturing that I once missed school just to stay home and eat cereal all day!   
  
Bulma, I hope one day we can spend a day doing one of my hobbies rather then ice skating or going bowling, since they are such noisy activities. I have the day perfectly planned out. First we can sleepover at my house and watch the Sesame Street Marathon on TV! We can't turn it too loud or else the neighbors will hear, but we can sing along to the songs!   
  
I memorized every song from every episode and would be more then willing to share the words with you. After the Sesame Street Marathon, I can teach you how to clog dance and yodel! I bet you would have a natural talent for it, and you could pick it up in a breeze.   
  
Then we could recite Shakespeare together, dressed up in my Shakespearean costumes, and I could show you my most prized items in the world. One of them is an autographed photo of Blue from Blues Clues himself! How does that measure up to when Madonna hit on Gohan in a coffee shop? I have met the hero of all time, BLUE!  
  
I hope you call soon, this would be the bestest day of my life, if you could spend the day with me doing the above activities, with Susan, of course. Now I can share my interests with you!  
  
Love always and hoping to hear from you soon,  
  
Yamcha  
  
Ps. Don't you think lavender is such a lovely color?  
  
  
  
END  
  
  
A/n: No, this isn't the real Yamcha. Well, not really. Anyways, sorry Yamcha lovers (if such people exist), but this what I interpret him as. So flame away! 


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